When I say I was called to do this, I mean it. The desire was never there... questions about how the whole thing worked, definitely, but desire, no. Non-existent.
It all started when I did a 21 day fast with my church, New Life Chapel, at the beginning of this year. I remember writing down on day one in my prayer journal, “Jesus, Where do we send our kids next year to school? Do they go back to public school? Am I supposed to homeschool? How are we going to afford private school for all 3 boys?”
By day 3 I had an answer to all of those questions. I feel like I have heard God’s voice before, but this was as if He was smacking me in the face... “You are going to homeschool your children.” I remember being so excited to tell Orville that I got an answer from God! I couldn’t wait to say, “God answered my questions. I know what we’re going to do!” So I thanked God for the clear answer and the next thing out of my mouth was, “How in the world am I supposed to do that God?”
The thoughts/words I spoke to God next went like this: “Not one person in my family has ever walked this path. I don’t know how much support I’ll have. There’s no way I’m capable enough to teach my children who are wise far beyond their years. I will clearly fail them all. I can’t compare to the education they are currently getting at a brilliant Classical Christian school. The kids will hate me for taking them away from their friends. And most of all, God: how am I supposed to have enough patience to do this EVERY SINGLE DAY?!” See, I love to argue. and God knows I don’t just go quietly, so that morning, pretty soon after I got off my soap box, he sent a little messenger to me.
This sweet friend of mine sends out a “Thought for the day” every single morning, and on this particular morning, God affirmed everything He just told me. This was her email that very morning:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans for good and not for harm, to give you hope and a future.”
How many times do we get frustrated when plans we make don’t work out the way we wanted? Wise believers don’t set their plans in concrete, because we know that God has a way of changing things to produce a much better outcome than anything we could come up with on our own. We need to be open to other possibilities and alternatives, to be flexible, recognizing that God is in control and He will rearrange our plans and our lives to suit His master plan for us.
Today, acknowledge that:
- God is I AM (and I am not).
- He is in control (and I am not).
- He has the master plan (and I do not).
Just for today, I am going to go ALL IN and let the Great I AM be in total control. It works out better that way.”
After I read her email, I thanked God again for his answer. Even though I was so terrified of the unknown, and my plan was way different than His, I knew that if I wanted to be in alignment with His will, I had to be obedient in this. So, I wrote it down. I will homeschool the kids this coming school year, and I will do it to serve the Lord!
The research that came to follow most definitely consumed my life! I needed to find the absolute best curricula for my children, I had to figure out the best schedule, the most efficient way to do this with 5 kids! I felt like I had something to prove, so I set out to be the best homeschool Mom there was!
Now, fast forward to last week, my ultimate low moment of mom life.. I literally couldn’t get out of bed, I did 7 loads of laundry on Monday, 3 loads on Wednesday and 2 on Friday and didn’t fold ANY of them until Saturday morning.. I threw away some of our plastic dishes that we used because I didn’t want to wash anymore..(side note: my oldest 2 boys do the dishes most of the time and we don’t have a dishwasher—and we have a 7 person family).
My kids probably thought I was possessed because of my short fuse and I really couldn’t wait to send them back to school! But God knew exactly what I needed. That Wednesday, I went to NLC’s sisterhood, and felt God re-affirming me over and over again. He used ladies in all different walks of life to speak directly to my heart, and I am so grateful! And if that wasn’t enough, my Pastor talked about functional faith on Sunday. God used him to directly speak to me through this (I’ll post the link to the sermon below). To top it off, God used a special friend to remind me that I can do this, and that all my children need is for me to just keep pushing through. And that I am not alone in this crazy journey!
I felt called to share this story today, because this week, my Connect Group leaders asked me what I would be doing this week to deepen my faith. And I said, I want to ask God to make me more uncomfortable so that I can be a blessing to someone else. And I felt God prompting me to share this because someone might need to see it! This week has been a turnaround for sure. No, my laundry still isn’t done, my dishes are piled a mile high, and my house would most definitely not pass a white glove inspection, but my children are learning!!! They are thriving in this homeschool setting!! And I am 100% NOT failing them!
I know there are going to be days where I want to lock myself in the bathroom (which I definitely do), but I know that the beauty of all of this will outweigh the struggle! I know that God has called me to do this, so I will continue to do His will for my life. I will continue to be obedient. I will have functional faith. I will try my best to encourage others. To show them that sometimes, (well, most of the time) God’s plans are different than our own. And we have to be willing to take a step of faith and trust in His will for our lives. Even if it is absolutely terrifying!